Honest Cover Letter

 

 Corporate Whore

456 Unemployed Boulevard

Everywhere

Corporate Pimps

123 Blah Blah Street

Taxdodgeisland

Global

 

Dear whatever your name may be,

I’ll call you Kelly, it’s unisex, take it or leave it. I’d like to work in order to make money so I have enough money to pay the essentials. In regards to job REF: 1/2388365887070587304867590820480290 I feel I have the credentials to do the job well. I’m not going to grovel and say how brilliant your branch of the multi-national corporate behemoth is, or show that I have any knowledge of the values that you hold so dearly but do not apply – probably.

I can follow basic instructions, I have worked before and can provide a referee if needed as I like you understand there is that 1 in a million chance I’m an axe murderer, although lately they have gone out of fashion tending to favour more sophisticated techniques and weaponry.

What’s my motivation you say? To make money. That’s all I’ll ever be able to do in your ghastly employ because there are no windows of opportunity on the premises, but there is a closed door. As you can see in my resume I have achieved qualifications above and beyond the menial tripe involved in the job description, nonetheless, I do need a job and cannot be a job snob in my current predicament. So I guess in a strange way we are both in luck.

While I am a hard worker Kelly, I expect the same from others. And as I have witnessed the work ethic is severely lacking in the local branch. Does that mean I cannot work as part of a team? No, of course not! Unless they are insufferable idiots that talk of nothing but drinking and banal TV shows while bitching behind my back as they sneak off for unscheduled cigarette breaks.

The main quality I’d say I can bring is blunt honesty coupled with the ability to spot imbeciles from 300 yards.

Yours begrudgingly,

Just Another Potential Employee

P.S. My electricity bill just arrived. It’s ugly.

6 Comments

  1. Funny stuff 🙂 I take it you are a fan of Joey Comeau? If you haven’t heard of him, he’s a writer for a popular webcomic and wrote an entire book of resumes that were meant to be overly honest.

    Anywho, great post!

    Sincerely,
    Julien Haller

      1. Ha, I’m a wealth of surprisingly useless information (i.e. a Wikipedia Junkie), but sometimes, every once in a while, I get to help someone with a piece of it 🙂

  2. I am thankfully employed, but like 9/10 people, I occasionally hate my job (the 1/10 is my boss, who is a sadist, and who, I’m sure, like to dress people up in gimp suits and force them to lick his balls while listening to Justin Beiber — because that’s what he figuratively does to me all week long). Any time I think about quitting and trying to find work, I just have to remind myself that I hate the processing of grovelling for a job even more.
    “Unless they are insufferable idiots that talk of nothing but drinking and banal TV shows while bitching behind my back as they sneak off for unscheduled cigarette breaks.” — except for the cigarette breaks, this is my life on a daily basis. It’s party why cancelled my cable TV — I saw the effects that banal TV has on people, and refused to be infected.
    Well done. You nailed it with this one.

    1. Many thanks for your thoughts.

      That same reason people hate going from job to job is also the same reason people resent their jobs so much – it’s almost as if some sick bastard capitalist planned this all out.
      “If we make it intolerable and insanely difficult to get even an easy job, then people will stay in their shitty workplaces.”

      The thing is if you want to be a street sweeper, which actually earns a decent penny, you need to go through a whole process to get it. It’s ridiculous.

      Additionally I was going to get rid of TV until I discovered it was cheaper to have it with the package I have..rarely watch it though. Britain’s Got Talent and reality bullshit everywhere.

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