Bullets For My Valentine – SHORT STORY

heart bullets ak 47

“IF YOU’RE JUST joining us at QVC, the home of shopping, welcome! And do we have a special offer for you today? Oh yes! In fact, I can hardly believe the price, I’d buy some myself, but by the time I finish, they’ll be all sold out! Poor me! Perfect for any occasion, and with Valentine’s Day coming up soon, why not give your loved one a gift that shows you care and will protect them all in one!” The vaguely effeminate man, part tan, part vocal chords, rattled on with an untreatable case of verbal diarrhoea.

“Not only will your partner love it, so will you, just love, love, love it! Talk about practical!” He said smiling a white that only came into existence when the first beauty clinics had been established, a colour scientists hadn’t yet named or firmly defined.

“And we’re not done there! Oh no! Let’s talk accessories! Diamonte. Encrusted. Sling! Talk about spoiling you! Women you are going to love it! If you’re out on the range or at home with your girlfriends, there’s only one thing people will be looking at! Your diamonte sling with over three thousand! – yes that’s right three thousand individually embedded diamonte gems. If that isn’t enough to get your juices flowing *wink directly at camera* then how about our mega deal that is simply too good to miss. Buy the AK-47 and the sling and we will give you, yes that’s right, gift to you, two boxes of ammo, totally free. *hand to earpiece* Oh my god! I have just been told, that not only that, if you treat yourself to the sexy mahogany stock AK-47 and sling, you’ll receive the ammunition totally free AND priority next day shipping!” He ended it with a beaming smile, hands together.

I didn’t need any more convincing. I dialled the number on the left of the screen, credit card ready, out of my wallet so fast it nearly melted.

Once at the purchasing stage and discussing delivery options:

“No. I don’t want free delivery! I don’t care if the extra boxes of ammo will cost more to deliver! It doesn’t matter! I’ll pick them up at the studio…”

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