Unpublished Author: On Writing – Secrets of Success


THE MOST VALUABLE nuggets of wisdom and pieces of advice I have painstakingly compiled over three years. Breathe deeply. And again. You are as ready as you ever will be.

Make sure you know your audience. Aiming your book at U.S. President’s past and present? Great! The more specific the better. That gives you at least three potential customers.

Genre is everything! As in, your book should span every genre known to mankind as well as the others you have created along the way. You’ve been told your vampire-romance-alien abduction-philosophical-apocalyptic ten-book series aimed at the over nineties demographic is unrealistic by well over thirty publishers? I think we all know who’s in the wrong. By blending so many genres, you capitalise on readership.

Editing is not necessary. The elegance of raw, unfiltered and unmolested text, as it was created – that – is what people want to see and read. If you are the sort of idiot that in past times would have been classified as a dunce, and you have changed a word, a comma, or corrected a spelling mistake, your future as a writer is non-existent.

Nobody likes a new age perfectionist. As for editors: You don’t go around correcting their mistakes! And quite likely they are members of the Nazi Party. Don’t be fooled. ‘Party’ is a misnomer.

Writing regularly, will improve your stories. Yet another myth passed on from generation to generation, but we all believe it. Excessive writing has been found to have serious impacts on health and in more severe cases can even result in death. Psychology papers dating back to the fifties have been kept from the public, likely some sort of New World Order cover up. What they reveal, thanks to my sources, is that writing regularly not only reduces brain size but can have devastating outcomes for the readers of the stories produced, including but not reduced to; excessive reading, allegiance to Communistic ideology, a preference for cats over dogs and impaired love making.

Self-publish or traditional publishing? Well, neither actually. Believe it or not, if you write a story that is good enough and could be classified as ‘excellent’ in your own mind, in your own opinion, then worry not. Forget Amazon and Kindle. Forget publishing entirely. If you have written a story that is excellent in your opinion, the one that counts, then all you have to do is sit back, relax, and wait for the literary agents to come to you. As ruthless and efficient as they are approachable, they will treat your story like Liam Neeson’s daughter in Taken. N.B. Approaching agents or publishers is seen as weakness. Never do it.


lion around 2

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38 thoughts on “Unpublished Author: On Writing – Secrets of Success

  1. Hmmm … Exactly how I have been managing my work. Glad to see I am doing it right! 🙂 You might want to add on to make sure you procrastinate daily.

    1. Haha, yeah I missed that one out! 🙂

  2. It was great reading this. I have often thought about publishing something have always put it on the back burner. I just like writing and that is what makes me happy. Your right on brother. If the story is good enough and captures the right person just maybe something will come out of it. Just keep on writing and who knows, right?

  3. Does this work for screenwriters as well? Hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.

    1. I can say without doubt 110% yes

  4. Reblogged this on Don Massenzio's Blog and commented:
    Some great tips from LionAroundWriting

  5. I wish I’d read this before I started editing and revising my book. It’s taken me ages. Fortunately I’ve not got to the point of sending stuff off to agents so you’ve saved me a shed load of work there!

  6. I can confidently confirm that merely capturing your unedited prose in a mere Microsoft Word document is the only step you need to take to achieve literary super-stardom. Hit “save”, and the world is your oyster, with publicists and agents prostrating themselves at your front door. Happens every day with me, and it’s actually getting a bit tiresome… 😉

    1. 🙂
      They love a bit of save action on a .doc
      Hopefully they let you be, I wish you all the best in repelling them.

  7. These words are almost taken verbatim from my author’s bible (that I authored)!

    1. ?
      Well I’ve never read it.
      Or are u joking? Im struggling to tell.

      1. Well, struggle no more. 😀

      2. You caught me offguard lol, i was half asleep and it seemed to be a plagiarism debacle about to kick off, every writers nightmare.

      3. I was half hoping you hadn’t taken that seriously, so PHEW! 😀

  8. I don’t think I’ve ever told you that you’re hilarious.

    1. Thank you Herminia! I appreciate that 🙂

  9. For a parody, there are some scary truths underlying this! How else do you explain the behaviour of some agents?… 🙂

    1. 🙂
      I’m not sure anyone can explain agents, perhaps not even themselves.

  10. By god, it’s good to read a list like this and realize that I’m doing everything right. Literary fame, here I come.

    1. Success awaits you my friend 🙂
      Cheers for reading.

  11. I’m respectful of everyone’s opinion but I don’t know why you wouldn’t place importance on editing. A poorly-edited book can really make you look like an amateur. Also I’ve never heard anyone say going after an agent is a ‘weakness’ and why you wouldn’t want to at least get your books out on amazon/kindle. That’s how many indie writers get discovered by agents. If your work is not out there then that really makes it hard to get discovered.

    1. You might want to re-read.
      It’s a humourous piece, satirical.

  12. I’m so green, you had me going until point 3. Still smiling.

  13. Hahaha…I’m now wondering how may will read this and think you are serious.

    1. Lol.
      I don’t doubt of the 8+ likes, you are the only one to actually read it and see it isn’t what it looks like. 🙂

      1. Maybe so…I would rather people not bother dropping by if they don’t read and just hit the like. Sometimes, I don’t comment due to lack of time, or don’t have anything to add to the subject; but if I hit like, I have read.

      2. Yeah me too. In fact I was going to post on that very subject at some point.
        A lot of people like in the hopes of reciprocity kicking in. Seems so fake and pointless.

      3. Yes, they are into the stats. What interests me is connecting with people who share similar interests.

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