Honest Cover Letter. Dear, Someone.

 Corporate Whore

456 Unemployed Boulevard

Somewhere

Corporate Pimps

123 Blah Blah Street

Taxdodgeisland

Global

 

Dear whatever your name may be,

I’ll call you Kelly: it’s unisex, take it or leave it. I’d like to work in order to make money so I have enough to pay the essentials. In regards to job REF: 1/2388365887070587304867590820480290 I feel I have the credentials to do the job well. I’m not going to grovel and say how brilliant your branch of the multi-national corporate behemoth is, or show that I have any knowledge of the values that you hold so dearly but do not apply.

I can follow basic instructions, I have worked before and can provide a referee if needed as I like you understand there is that 1 in a million chance I’m an axe murderer, although lately they have gone out of fashion tending to favour more sophisticated techniques and weaponry.

What’s my motivation you say? To make money. That’s all I’ll ever be able to do in your ghastly employ because there are no windows of opportunity on the premises, but there is a closed door. As you can see in my resume I have achieved qualifications above and beyond the menial tripe involved in the job description, nonetheless, I do need a job and cannot be a job-snob in my current predicament. So I guess in a strange way we are both in luck.

While I am a hard worker Kelly, I expect the same from others. And as I have witnessed the work ethic is severely lacking in the local branch. Does that mean I cannot work as part of a team? No, of course not! Unless they are insufferable idiots that talk of nothing but drinking and banal TV shows while bitching behind my back as they sneak off for unscheduled cigarette breaks.

The main quality I’d say I can bring is blunt honesty coupled with the ability to spot imbeciles from 300 yards.

Yours begrudgingly,

Just Another Potential Employee

P.S. My electricity bill just arrived. It’s ugly.

 

repost 2013

lion around 2

28 Comments

  1. Reblogged this on Jade M.Wong and commented:
    Dear Ms. Corporate Whore,

    Thank you for your interest in our company. Your cover letter was impressive in its outspoken and brusque honesty. In the name of fairness, I will proceed with the remainder of this correspondence in equal candor.

    Although you have stated your name as Corporate Whore, I have decided to address you from this point forward as Eternally Unemployed: it’s apt, take it or leave it. While I have no doubt that your motivation for applying to this position is to make money, I do question your self-claimed ability to follow basic instructions as well as your ability to make simple edits.

    If you refer back to our job posting, you will see clearly stated a bullet point instructing all interested applicants to submit a resume AND ONLY a resume. Also, I have no need for a “referee” (and I fail to see how a referee has any relation to your being a possible axe murderer); I also see no need for a reference in your case. It would seem your ability to spot imbeciles is sorely lacking as well.

    Again, thank you for your interest and time in our company. On behalf of the insufferable idiots ghastly employed in this corporate behemoth that has a 4.9 Yelp review and was rated as the #1 Best Place to Work in 2016 on Glassdoor, I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors. I daresay you will need it.

    Yours Truly,

    Winning at Life | Head Recruiter
    ——-
    I couldn’t resist doing a response! Thanks for the laugh & fun, Fionn!

  2. Ha! You are quite the comedian! This is what everyone would love to say, especially if you actually get the interview. I would probably add I’m hungry and would like to eat something besides rice and beans and ramen.

  3. Dear prospective employee,

    We see that look in your eyes. We know that you know. We understand that you’ve figured out all of our tricks. We see you’ve realized that it’s all a joke, just a massive dumptruck full of bullshit to motivate you to do the maximum amount of work for the minimum amount of compensation.

    Frankly, you scare us. We see, reflected in you, the many, many compromises that we ourselves have made, the lies we tell ourselves every day, in order to remain sane while trapped in this hellscape of a job.

    We know that you’ll never again be as exploitable as some younger, naive person. For this reason, we will not hire you. Please go away, and stop reminding us of that spark of dignity that we long ago extinguished within ourselves.

  4. Dear Ms. Whore

    I have read your impressive resume and I must say I’m impressed by your honesty. It’s something that you rarely see in our line of business. I would have preferred if you would have called me Robin, but Kelly will do. As most employers I have a pathological affinity to lie, but in your case I will make an exception.

    Hell will freeze before we hire someone like you. I hate your guts, and have already sent our wet team over to deal with you. The good news: You will never have to bother about an electrical bill again.

    Yours unsincerely

    Kelly Pimps

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