456 Unemployed Boulevard
123 Blah Blah Street
Dear whatever your name may be,
I’ll call you Kelly: it’s unisex, take it or leave it. I’d like to work in order to make money so I have enough to pay the essentials. In regards to job REF: 1/2388365887070587304867590820480290 I feel I have the credentials to do the job well. I’m not going to grovel and say how brilliant your branch of the multi-national corporate behemoth is, or show that I have any knowledge of the values that you hold so dearly but do not apply.
I can follow basic instructions, I have worked before and can provide a referee if needed as I like you understand there is that 1 in a million chance I’m an axe murderer, although lately they have gone out of fashion tending to favour more sophisticated techniques and weaponry.
What’s my motivation you say? To make money. That’s all I’ll ever be able to do in your ghastly employ because there are no windows of opportunity on the premises, but there is a closed door. As you can see in my resume I have achieved qualifications above and beyond the menial tripe involved in the job description, nonetheless, I do need a job and cannot be a job-snob in my current predicament. So I guess in a strange way we are both in luck.
While I am a hard worker Kelly, I expect the same from others. And as I have witnessed the work ethic is severely lacking in the local branch. Does that mean I cannot work as part of a team? No, of course not! Unless they are insufferable idiots that talk of nothing but drinking and banal TV shows while bitching behind my back as they sneak off for unscheduled cigarette breaks.
The main quality I’d say I can bring is blunt honesty coupled with the ability to spot imbeciles from 300 yards.
Just Another Potential Employee
P.S. My electricity bill just arrived. It’s ugly.