EVER WATCHED A kung-fu movie? I used to watch them a lot as a kid, loving the fantastical tales of redemption replete with bad dubbing, outrageous stunts and frequently outlandish deaths. I wrote my own. Sort of:
“He must die!” Wei Ping, the Golden Bear stood defiantly in the middle of Tu Langs modest yet entirely functional home.
“No – I will not let you kill him!”
“Tell me where your great teacher is hiding, and I will not harm your pet goldfish!”
“Not my goldfish! Please!”
“Such manners!” said Wei Ping, a ripple of respect washing over him. “But still! Where is Chan Li? Tell me and you will be spared.”
Tu Lang felt he had no other choice. He began running.
Through the back door he sprinted, winding through alley ways, nearly knocking over a woman with her wares and accidentally kicking a cage of chickens in the process. Gasping for breath a short while later, he stopped and looked back. No sign of Wei Ping. Ha!
As if from nowhere Wei Ping appeared in front of Tu Lang, whose face turned to shock. “Thought you could speed things up a bit by running? Well try this for size!” said Wei Ping stroking his white goatee. “I nearly kill you. You leave this forsaken place along with the girl you could never get, and the goldfish. You train hard, fail, try again, fail, and eventually become a champion fighter, even defeating your old master Chan Li who turned against you through jealousy. Upon hearing of your success, the girl wishes to marry you. But juiced up on your own success, with greater clarity than before, you realise she never loved you anyway, and is more shallow than a goldfish bowl. You turn to a true beauty who comes from a village in the hills. With unparalleled fighting talent, the respect of your people, and the woman of your dreams, you return here, to your home town, to avenge the death of your family, killing me, and everyone else I taught at the Golden Bear.”
And with that Wei Ping, the Golden Bear dropped dead.